I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize