he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
