i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
