take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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