Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
