I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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