New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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