I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
