My sheets look like a crime scene.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he just fucked me for my cheese..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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