I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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