I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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