I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
