So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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