She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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