Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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