i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
