as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
