found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
