True but thats because hes a fetus.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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