Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
