I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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