everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
