If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
