Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
