i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
be right there i have to get my cape
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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