i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
