He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
