Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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