I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
