if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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