When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
