i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
