Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
