I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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