turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
