I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
