My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
