I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
