where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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