You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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