i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
