I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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