My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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