Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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