Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
