dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
