If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
