i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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