this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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