Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
