There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
