For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
