I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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