Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
