please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize