You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
