Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
